a lifetime of loving you

a lifetime of loving the world we would soon build together

to have and to hold for the rest of my life

but life has been cold without you for some time

for better or for worse, through ups and downs

it never gets easier

for the unacknowledged sentient to be around

dirt pools now, under your once red ruby nails

when you never liked the dirt, not even dusty rails

in sickness and in health

i watched your body waver

your soul soon followed

when you asked about me and your children like you didn’t know them

when i had to introduce myself to my own wife

when our children had to introduce themselves to their mother

you forgot my name

but i’ll never forget the flowers i left you

the blankets i tucked you in

the kisses i placed

the hands i held

the woman i loved

i learned to love you twice

and i’d do it over again if it meant i could spend another lifetime with you

everyone knew how much i loved you

i loved you more than life itself

but none of it meant anything

if i knew you weren’t going to spend it with me

your physical being left but your soul had done the same long before

but i love you and i say that actively

i love you

i will never stop loving you

i never have stopped loving you

our house is yours now

you leave soft footprints in the hardwood hallways

fingerprints on the walls

lipstick stains on the photos

i see you everywhere

in our children

in our grandchildren

in the pine that falls off the trees

in every painted sky

but it’s hard to deny

i miss you

when you’re not there

no matter how long

the sheets are still cold

they will always be cold

the vanity is bare

your jewelry gone

closet stripped of the style you once brought

but energy is never created

nor destroyed

but transferred

your energy lives on

in the lineage we’ve fostered

the stories we’ve written

the chapters we’ve opened

and the chapters we’ve closed

this isn’t goodbye

with us

it’s never been

but see you later

in another life

sometime soon

you’ll be my girl again

my eyelids feel like they weigh as much as 1000 cars

but they glide over my eyeballs as if they’re weightless

they act slow

with each blink another car is added

maybe this time something heavier

sleep is the only drug that mends instead of breaking

it doesn’t ruin your marriage or strain a relationship with your kids

just the ability to tighten your head on your shoulder

like it also acts as its own screw driver

sleep tightends the screws in your neck

holds your head upright, keeps your world from rattling loose

lack there of means looser screws and sometimes they fall out

sleep isn’t completely harmless

without it, you result to other means

like the drugs that can ruin your marriage or strain the relationship with your kids

you result to the little white tablets with names too long to pronounce

but dangerously easy to use

for a while you think you become dependent on the need for sleep

the need to have that feeling of the cars on your eyelids

the need to have that feeling you get when your head crashes into a soft and silken pillow

the need to waste a day away doing nothing

but then it stops being that

you no longer become addicted to the need for such innocent feelings

but addicted to the need for what causes them

it goes past the benzodiazepines and alprazolam

and when it goes past those

you have now went past the amount of time you’ve given yourself on this earth